My Manager Promised a Chill Meeting. I Got Ambushed Instead.

[Root] Access is an advice column for questions about IT issues, career moves, and workplace concerns.

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Dear [Root] Access,

My manager recently asked me to attend a late evening video meeting as a “third horse,” describing it as a routine discussion with a customer about spec requirements. It sounded like not a big deal. He said I “could probably” be camera off, muted, and just listen in, and in return, I could take a comp day on Friday. It seemed like a minor request, so I agreed.

This meeting turned out to be something entirely different. 

The customer focused on a recent security threat and ransomware attack, with external auditors from the Fed present due to our involvement in DoD-related products requiring security clearance. Instead of the casual setup that my manager had led me to expect, I spent several hours getting grilled about our security platform, procedures, and incident response. I was NOT off camera, but my manager sure was.

Considering the circumstances, I did fine – I know my stuff, and we followed procedures to the letter – but I would have appreciated knowing the true nature of the meeting beforehand. Plus, if I had known I was definitely the focus of the discussion, I would have put on a shirt with a collar instead of a Nirvana tee.

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Now I wonder if my manager intentionally set me up to take the fall or if he genuinely didn’t know the meeting’s real agenda. Either way, this feels like a noose.

—Third Horse  

Dear Third Horse,

This kind of surprise meeting could throw anyone off their game. That makes it easy to jump to conclusions about your manager’s intentions. However, you’re right. There could be many explanations for what happened. For example:

Your reaction is valid, regardless of your manager’s intentions. Your manager asked you to attend the meeting as a third horse, and you were put through the wringer. But to take a professional next step, you must approach the situation with curiosity and openness. If you haven’t yet discussed it, your manager likely doesn’t know how this experience affected you. If you’d like to prevent a similar corporate plot twist in the future, you’ll need to provide feedback for your manager.

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A good manager will be grateful to hear your feedback because much of their job is to help you be successful. I recommend using a simple Behavior → Effect feedback model to increase the likelihood of the feedback landing well. This structure encourages you to take a step back so you can explain objectively what happened and how it impacted you. 

Here’s how I might use this model during a 1:1 meeting: 

Hi, [Manager]. Can I share some feedback about the security meeting? When you asked me to attend as a third horse, I agreed and prepared to shadow. However, I no longer felt prepared when the group asked me security questions. In the future, could you give me additional details about meetings and how I’ll be expected to participate? 

Giving a manager feedback can be nerve-wracking. What matters is that you get closure and support from your manager, who, perhaps unwittingly, put you in this situation. 

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