Windows XP: It's Not Me, It's You

Windows XP: It's Not Me, It's You

Dear Windows XP,

I'd love to start out this letter and give you some positive thoughts to help ease what I'm about to say, but as I see you working to take others down with you, I feel it's my duty to set things straight. If I can successfully warn even one person about you, I feel I've done a great service. Plus, I don't want to give you any thread of hope that might confuse my true intentions.

I'll admit, we had some good times together over the years, but honestly, we've had more troubles than joy. Your pouty, bluescreen always annoyed me. When you were cranky in the mornings, you'd mutter incoherently. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL means. I assume you were cussing me out for waking you up at 6am. And, if it weren't for Chkdsk /F, I suspect you'd still be cussing me out. You don't realize how many of those mornings I came close to Fdisk instead.

Your incessant stalking was over-the-top and creepy. How many times did you show up unannounced at almost every ATM I frequented? You'd seemingly appear out of nowhere on elevators, of all places. I know you're needy, but showing your blue face at the baggage claim areas in both Seattle and Vegas was the last straw.

I did a lot for you. Every time you asked for it, I gave you more memory. I ran Scandisk for hours upon hours, whether you needed it or not. I sometimes felt more like your personal butler than your compatriot. And, what did I get for it all? More blue screens, a temp file hoarding obsession, and an insatiable appetite for malware. The amount of money I invested in you over the years, I could have put a family of 10 kids through college. You were supposed to be working for me, not the other way around.

Today is truly the day. I've had April 8, 2014 marked on my calendar for some time. We've known each other since late 2001, but today is the day I have to publicly cut ties with you. I know others have stated they'll stick it out with you, at least for a while, so I'm not worried that you'll be short of peer support or people you can soak more money out of. I also realize we may casually pass each other from time-to-time or socialize in the same circles. Let's keep it civil, focus on the task at hand, and try hard to make the situation as comfortable as possible for everyone involved. You have your quirks and I have mine, but I just feel each of us will just do much better apart.

If it helps to be angry, understand that I've moved on. Several times, in fact. Vista had her own problems and Windows 7 was just too much like you, bringing up many of the same bad memories that forced us apart. I even dabbled with Android for a while, but she ended up being the most incoherent, unorganized, and unstable lot of the bunch. Windows 8.1 Update 1 is dropping by this afternoon and I hope you'll be civilized and give us some space.

Thanks for the memories. We'll always have Notepad.

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