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Microsoft Buys Facebook, Rebrands it as OneHive
In a surprise announcement this morning at Microsoft's BUILD conference in San Francisco, Mark Zuckerberg took the stage and welcomed Bill Gates to the microphone. There, after some good-natured head rubbing and fist bumping, Gates announced that the company had bought Facebook.
The move is seen by industry watchers as a bold, yet necessary acquisition, one in which CEO Satya Nadella was particularly interested, due in part to his years in Silicon Valley. "I always wanted to have the kind of workplace vibe they've got at Facebook," he said this morning. "And it's not just the slide or the relaxed dress code."
It's not clear yet whether Zuckerberg will stay on as an advisor or immediately cut the ties with the company he founded while a student at Harvard. Microsoft, too, appears unclear about what exactly it will do with Facebook, though an unnamed source notes that banners at the Redmond campus have already begun appearing in Building 321 with the title "OneHive," which reportedly was Gates's choice for rebranding Facebook. To learn more, see Zuckerberg's Facebook page.
Google Announces "Ring" Tool
Google announced today the preview of its long-awaited Ring. Billed as a personal computing device for the tech-phobic or privacy-concerned consumer, Ring will offer the ultimate in wearable computing technology with a low-cost, low-context, easy-to-use interface that will enable the erasure of the wearer's personal data, image, and related code from any Google Glass, wrist computer, or scanning or mapping software. Ring is reportedly forged of gold by elven hands and when heated in a microwave or blast furnace, reveals the wearer's social security number and OnePass password in elvish script. To learn more, see the Google website.
Clinton Joins Microsoft, Becomes Office 365 Spokesman
President Clinton and Microsoft today announced the former US president is joining forces with Microsoft to promote Office 365. He will also work with the Office 365 teams to tailor Microsoft's new message around deeply embracing the cloud both at home and at work.
Building on his recent speaking engagement at Microsoft SharePoint 2014 Conference, Clinton will focus on individual evangelism, starting with a road tour April 2. On that road tour, which kicks off in Baltimore, MD, and ends in Florence, OR, Clinton will bicycle with a different Office 365 user a day, as he also attempts to be the first former US president to cycle from coast to coast. The trip is expected to take three months. To learn more, see the Microsoft website.
Ex-Soviet Republics, European Union, Convene to Examine Microsoft SharePoint Business Offer
Lithuanian president Dalia Grybauskaitė announced today the formation of an ad hoc committee of the European Union which will meet in Palanga next week to examine claims that Microsoft signed over its SharePoint on-premises business to the nations of Lithuania and Latvia last December. The purported assignment included the 2015 version of SharePoint--code-named "OneDer," a Whidbey Island house owned by Jeff Teper, an extra Tesla sitting in Jared Spataro's garage, and two upcoming service packs. Microsoft legal counsel said the claims are unfounded. Members of the European SharePoint Community who requested anonymity said that the whole thing started at a SharePint and "just got out of hand."